“Do what I say, or you’re not invited to my birthday party!”

“I’m not going to be your partner on the project unless you give me the treat from your lunch!”

These kinds of threats are tactics many school-age kids use to solve conflicts. Parents and teachers sometimes assume these common threats are basically harmless.

After all, are they so different from comments kids might hear from grown-ups in their lives? It’s a small step from “Daddy better get you to school on time or Mommy is going to be angry with him!” to “If you don’t give me that toy you won’t be my best friend anymore!”

The adult and the kid versions are both signs of bullying behavior. I’m a child psychologist, and I know that kids imitate the behaviors they observe at home. Bullying is tied to poor outcomes not only for the child who is bullied but for the bullies themselves, who run a higher risk than their peers of experiencing depression when they become teens. Youth who are bullies also are more likely to engage in aggressive and rule-breaking behavior, have substance use problems and hang out with other adolescents who share these tendencies.

The good news is that parents can change the ways they handle their own conflicts to demonstrate for children how to use healthier and more positive ways to interact with others.

Getting people to do what you want

Across cultures, regardless of temperament, most children act with two goals in mind: to get or do things they want and to avoid things that they don’t want.

Kids want things like hugs and affection, praise, cool toys, yummy food and treats. They want to play, have fun and spend time with family and friends. Alternatively, they don’t want to do things that seem tiring, stressful, scary or boring, like cleaning up, doing chores, getting ready for bed or completing difficult or tedious schoolwork.

Think about all the ways you can get someone to do something that’s undesirable to them, especially if you have power over them. You can use positive tactics, such as direct encouragement, incentives and praise. You can try negative tactics, such as threats, manipulation and force. Some – asking politely, saying please and thank you each time – work better than others, such as nagging or pleading.

Children learn which tactics work and are acceptable by seeing how adults, who hold power over them, employ them.

On one extreme, observing aggression between parents increases risk for children’s heightened aggression and violence in their own social relationships. Stanford psychologist Albert Bandura’s seminal 1961 “Bobo Doll Study” found that preschool children who saw an adult hit and kick a life-size inflatable figure were more likely to be aggressive toward that figure when frustrated.

In my own research, I focused on children who were exposed to domestic violence between parents as early as in infancy. As adults, these now-grown children were more likely to be both victims and perpetrators of violence with their romantic partners. People were particularly likely to be violent as adults if they were exposed to domestic violence when they were in preschool, as opposed to later in childhood, suggesting early childhood is a particularly important time for parents to model healthy conflict resolution.

Many people don’t regularly use physical force on each other or on their kids to get what they want, so children also pay attention to how subtle tactics such as manipulation, threats and exclusion work. If children constantly hear, “If you don’t do this, you’ll lose that, or I’ll do this to you,” they learn that threats are acceptable and effective at getting others to comply.

What about even more subtle behavior, such as parents criticizing each other or giving one another the silent treatment?

If children regularly hear adults pointing blame or diminishing others’ self-worth – for example, “Mommy is so disorganized, she can’t keep herself together!” or “Daddy is so lazy, Mommy always has to do all the cooking AND the cleaning” – they are more likely to use these strategies to gain social dominance.

For children, this becomes, “You can’t play with us because your dress is ugly” or “You aren’t smart enough to be my partner.” Kids can pick up on each other’s weaknesses and learn to exploit them to get what they want.

For older children who observe one parent giving the other parent the silent treatment, “freezing out,” “canceling” or “ghosting” others now become potentially useful strategies.

Modeling kindness

But what about the flip side: If parents modeling aggression or disrespect is harmful for children, is modeling respect, kindness and compassion helpful? The answer is yes.

Parents who make respectful requests of one another, thank and praise each other, and work as a team model healthy social strategies for their kids, and these patterns have long-term benefits. Armed with these positive skills, children are not only less likely to bully others to get what they want, but they are more likely to recognize – and resist – being bullied themselves.

For example, if Mom is more patient and empathetic, whereas Dad is able to be more stern and “hold the line,” parents can work as a team and play to each other’s strengths. This might look like Mom making the morning routine happen with warm and directive encouragement, while Dad takes charge of enforcing bedtime routines.

Then, a key ingredient to make this noticeable to kids is that both parents praise each other’s strengths in front of the kids: One parent says, “Thanks to Mom for getting us out of the house on time!” The other says, “Thank goodness that Dad keeps us organized!” This subtle yet detectable respect goes a long way. It also demonstrates how to leverage relationships to further your own interests, but in a positive and healthy way.

Kids who are accustomed to using kindness and respect to get what they want are less likely to tolerate unkind, mean or manipulative behavior from bullies. Kindness becomes internalized, and it empowers kids to walk away from a bully.

Kids watch grown-ups for signs of how to act. Parents hold power over what kids get done and how, but they also have the power to show kids how to treat one another and how to do difficult things while also feeling good about them. The key is modeling kindness, teamwork and gratitude to get things done well – and to do this across your child’s life, ideally as early in their development as possible.

Angela J. Narayan receives funding from the National Academy of Medicine and the American Psychological Association.

Colorado’s breathtaking landscapes are increasingly overshadowed by breathtaking bills. Despite a high-growth economy, many households face a concerning paradox. Expenses are rising, but wages have not kept pace. To fill the gap, many families now rely on high-interest credit cards.

Credit cards were once for extra purchases. Now, for some people, they are a vital safety net. Many people rely on revolving debt, which moves balances from one card to another, with lower rates month to month. In Colorado, 33% of debtors now cite everyday expenses – groceries, utilities and childcare – as the primary reason for their debt. Another 41% point to unexpected emergencies, such as medical bills or car repairs.

From 2024 to 2025, there was a 6.5% increase in Coloradan’s average debt. This increase has caused household savings to deplete faster than the national average.

I am a professor and the chair of the Department of Marketing at the University of Denver’s Daniels College of Business. My research investigates debt payment strategies and consumer welfare.

Colorado cost of living increases

Colorado’s overall cost of living is 12% higher than the national average. While groceries and healthcare are generally on par with the rest of the country, the state’s overall affordability is impacted by housing and childcare.

Denver’s housing costs are 22% above the U.S. average, while mortgage debt accounts for a 77.4% of all household debt in the state. This takes up a large portion of a family’s monthly income.

And homeowners face soaring insurance premiums – including a 47% gain in 2025. And infant childcare now averages almost $21,000 a year.

Overall, inflation has cost the average family in Colorado US$60,233 in total extra spending since 2020. And those expenses are only going up. In 2025 alone, the average Colorado household spent $20,800 more on just the essentials – like shelter, utilities, insurance and groceries – than they did in 2019.

Yet from 2016 to 2023, spending grew about 30% faster than income. As costs rise and incomes stagnate, many families lack emergency savings. These households are left with no choice but to push variable expenses and essentials onto their credit cards.

Where Colorado ranks and why in credit card debt

Colorado ranks 12th in the nation for the highest average credit card debt with $7,267. The national average balance per borrower was approximately $6,735 in 2025.

A small percentage of individuals with large debt balances drive the average up. The median represents the exact middle point of the population. The median amount of credit card debt per person is $3,305 in Colorado, ranked fourth in the country. The average person in Colorado pays $266 toward their credit card bill each month. Thus, it would take the average Colorado borrower nearly 14 months and $421 in interest to pay off the debt balance.

In most realistic cases, however, borrowers are trapped in prolonged repayment cycles, where borrowers continually carry a revolving credit balance from month to month while making only partial or minimum payments.

The demographics of debt

The burden of credit card debt is not distributed equally. Generation X, ages 45–60, carries the heaviest burden in the state. Their average balances have reached $9,600. This group faces the “sandwich effect.” They must often support both adult children and aging parents. This is difficult due to Colorado’s high healthcare and living costs.

Millennials, ages 29–44, hold the second-highest average balances at $6,961. For them, credit cards often serve as a stopgap measure for massive housing costs and childcare as they navigate starting and supporting a family. Their average debt levels have surged 134% since 2012.

Generation Z, ages 18–28, carries lower average balances – around $3,493. However, they face the fastest rate of debt growth, with their balances surging nearly 7% year over year. These young adults entered the workforce during peak inflation. They rely on revolving credit much earlier in their careers than previous generations.

This debt crisis exposes deep income and demographic disparities, illustrating a “K-shaped” economic divide. Lower-income earners with annual household incomes under $50,000 are disproportionately affected by debt. Over 56% of middle-income households in the 40th to 59th income percentiles carry a balance. In contrast, only 25% of top earners do so, primarily using cards for rewards.

Women are also significantly more likely to carry a balance than men, 50% versus 43%. This stems from earnings gaps and managing household budgets in an inflationary environment.

Furthermore, communities of color face a persistent credit gap. More than 10% of Black households and 9% of Hispanic households in Colorado lack access to standard bank accounts and mainstream credit products. This pushes them toward even higher-interest alternative debt products, such as payday and pawn shop loans.

Solutions: Pathways out of the debt trap

Overcoming credit card debt can feel impossible, especially with interest rates exceeding 21%.

For debt repayment, academic research and behavioral economics point to two popular strategies: the “debt avalanche” and the “debt snowball” methods.

The avalanche method focuses on mathematical efficiency – those with debt allocate every extra dollar to the balance with the highest interest rate while paying the minimums on the rest. This saves the most money over time.

Conversely, the snowball method leverages human psychology. By paying the smallest balance first, you achieve “quick wins” that build momentum.

For those who feel entirely overwhelmed by their financial situation, formal interventions are effective. Nonprofit credit counseling can help consumers evaluate their budgets and enroll in debt management plans. Under a plan, counseling agencies negotiate directly with creditors to lower interest rates and waive fees. This consolidates debt into one manageable monthly payment.

Studies evaluating the National Foundation for Credit Counseling’s Sharpen Your Financial Focus program show its effectiveness. Clients who receive financial counseling substantially reduce their revolving debt over time.

Finally, Coloradans do not have to navigate this crisis alone. Residents can contact their local Office of Financial Empowerment. These offices provide free financial coaching and consumer protections. They also offer access to safe banking products.

If you’re in debt, seeking outside assistance can help you break the cycle of revolving debt and build long-term financial stability.

Read more of our stories about Colorado.

Ali Besharat does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.