If you’ve decided to separate from your partner, and you have kids together, it’s normal to worry about the potential impact on them.

Although some studies have shown a higher risk of mental health problems for children of divorced parents, separation is not inherently harmful.

And if the household has a lot of tension and conflict, evidence shows “staying together for the kids” can actually be worse for their mental health and wellbeing.

Still, change can be hard for everyone – especially children, who thrive with routines, boundaries and stability.

So, what’s the best way to talk about separating? And how can you keep things as consistent as possible?

How to talk about separating

Be clear and direct with your children about what the change in your relationship means to them and their day-to-day lives and be open to hearing how they feel.

Will you continue living together for a while? Will one of you move out of the family home? Or maybe the kids will stay at home while the parents take turns living there (sometimes called “birdnesting”).

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Have this conversation first with your co-parent and plan how you’ll tell the kids. It can be helpful to make some key dot points and assign a parent to each.

This doesn’t mean telling your kids everything. Focus on the details impacting them (such as care arrangements) and not the specific story of relationship disrepair.

Details depend on their age

Younger children will need fewer details than older children and teens. For example, you might say:

we are still a family and love you so much. But some families look different and are happier in two houses.

For younger kids, reading a picture book – such as Two Homes by Claire Masurel or The Invisible String by Patrice Karst – can be a helpful follow up that you can keep revisiting.

Older children and teens may benefit from more nuanced discussions about why you are separating. For example:

we both love you more than anything. But we’re not in love with each other anymore and have decided that it’s best to separate and live in two houses.

Try not to talk badly about the other parent, even if your child asks if one parent did something wrong. It’s important to allow your kids the chance for a meaningful relationship with both parents and to develop their own perspectives.

Where possible, include older children in the decisions that will affect them, such as how they split time between houses or how they want their parents to share information about them. This can increase their sense of belonging and protect against mental health problems.

What about co-parenting?

Effective co-parenting after separation improves mental health outcomes for children and parents.

Keep communication with your co-parent clear and direct and keep your emotions in check. Raising concerns can help you stay aligned on parenting and aware of any potential issues brewing. Speak to your co-parent directly and not via your child.

If there’s conflict, aim to focus on problem-solving rather than getting personal. Stay calm, try to be receptive, and don’t raise issues in the heat of the moment. It’s OK to say “I’ll get back to you” or to communicate by email or text if that takes the heat out.

And call out the good – if you notice your co-parent nailing something, tell them.

But stay safe

If you are leaving a violent or unsafe relationship with an ex, the rules for engagement change – what will keep you and your children safe is most important.

Seek help if you feel scared into agreeing with parenting decisions or are experiencing attempts to control you or your child.

In an emergency, call triple 0.

Strategies for maintaining consistency

Consistency is good for kids living across two houses. If possible, try:

• keeping certain routines in place, such as morning chores, what happens at bedtime, and when that is

• creating a shared online diary – having clear dates and shared expectations about care and events can reduce conflict

• scheduling a regular, check-in meeting with your co-parent where you can discuss things like mood or behaviour changes in your child or any concerns, maintaining routines, upcoming events, and managing holidays, sport and schooling.

If collaborating with your co-parent doesn’t work, maintaining routines at your own place will still benefit your kids.

When does my child need extra support?

Children’s ability to regulate emotions often decreases during stress and change. Areas to keep an eye on include changes to behaviour, emotions, sleep, eating and friendships.

If particular behaviours are causing a lot of distress to your child (or others), impacting their day-to-day life, and are very different to others their age, it may be time to get some extra help.

Online tools such as the Growing Minds Australia Check-In can be a good place to start to check how well your child is coping.

Evidence-based online parenting programs, such as Triple P for Family Transitions and Parentworks can also help you build skills for responding to difficult behaviours in your child and reduce parental conflict.

Other helpful resources include:

• Relationships Australia’s guide to parenting post-separation

• The Raising Children’s Networks resources for talking to children and managing new living arrangements

• Headspace’s supporting a young person through separation.

If you need more support, talk to your GP about finding a psychologist for you or your child, and whether you’re eligible for a Medicare rebate.

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The National Sexual Assault, Family and Domestic Violence Counselling Line – 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) – is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week for any Australian who has experienced, or is at risk of, family and domestic violence and/or sexual assault.

Jaimie Northam has received funding from the Medical Research Future Fund.